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Read the bible backwards – it’s epic!

18 Sep

Yes, that most unholy and abhorrent of all works of fiction, the bible, actually does make for a decent story Рbut only if approached from the proper perspective.  And that perspective, it turns out, is from back to front.

Here’s just a few highlights:

Jesus

God decides he wants to get rid of his son, so he sends him to Earth, cut and bruised, where some blokes nail his corpse to a cross to recover. Luckily for Jesus though, some kind and helpful Romans are around to help him get down, remove the crown of thorns from his head and clean up his wounds.

Jesus soon develops a reputation for being a bit of a bastard. At one point, he walks up to this guy minding his own business and deliberately pokes his eyes out. Another time he goes up to some random bloke just happily strolling along and cripples him.

Soon he comes across a huge open-air picnic where thousands of people are having a lovely feast of fish sandwiches, more than enough to go around. Being the twat that he’s become, Jesus steals all the food and leaves everyone with fuck all to eat.

Later he ruins a wedding by confiscating all the wine and replacing it with water.

He goes about like this, randomly maiming people he happens to meet, before going into hiding. Presumably he’s realised how many enemies he’s made.

The next time anybody sees him he has apparently developed a severe case of Anageria, causing him to grow smaller and younger. On his birthday, as he lies there on his death bed in some smelly little manger, with his parents apparently happy to see him go, three blokes on camels turn up unannounced and nick all his presents.

Exodus

A man named Moses decides to round up a nation of kind and happy Jews and tells them he wants to take them on a journey. They all leave their Promised Land of Milk and Honey and set out across the burning desert, where they spend the next forty years wandering around aimlessly.

There’s a little vignette about the Jews giving up worship of a Golden Calf and Moses giving a set of commandment to God, but on the whole it’s pretty unremarkable until they eventually reach Egypt.

After chasing the Egyptian army out of the Red Sea, Moses makes a deal with the local Pharaoh and sells his entire people into slavery.

Genesis

A lovely young couple named Adam and Eve, who seem to be made for each other, are very sad; so God decides to allow them to play in his garden. Adam all of a sudden regurgitates bits of an apple, followed by Eve.

God gets unaccountably angry and starts smashing things. He kills Eve, chops her up and shoves the bits into Adam’s body. Shortly afterwards, he kills Adam, grinds him into dust and sprinkles him over the ground.

Then, clearly on a psychotic rampage, he wipes out all life on Earth, then vaporises the Earth itself. Over the course of the next few days, God destroys the entire Universe.

And the real beauty of all this is it makes just as much sense as the boring conventional method of reading it, if not far more!

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“It’s symbolic of his struggle against reality.”

5 Apr

With that in mind, here’s the final serving of Magic Sandwiches to chew over:

Part 10:

Part 11:

(The webpage referred to, exposing the ‘Cretaceous human hand bones’, can be found at the end of this link. Note that even Answers in Genesis, that fount of creationist bullshit, doesn’t agree with PCS on the subject of Cretaceous human fossils. When an organisation founded by the repellant Ken Ham which runs the ridiculous Flintstones Creation ‘Museum’ in Kentucky thinks you’re talking shit, you ought to be hearing alarm bells.)

Part 12:

Part 13:

In summary:

It’s clear that dialogue with someone as fossilised in their dogma as Shawn/VFX/PCS is for all practical purposes impossible. To us it’s a debate; to him it’s an opportunity to preach (he would call it witnessing). And to what end? Thunderf00t, Don, DPRJones and the rest try to educate. If the knowledge they share with us can get just one person to think, to perhaps question the misleading or inaccurate things they may have been told about our world, then they will have added to the sum total of human advancement. All the Shawns of this world want to do is to tell us we’re going to hell. They are just little people with little minds desperate to feel important.

Notice that when asked directly, PCS stated categorically that he rejects evolution outright and nothing can ever change his closed and locked mind. Even if he could be convinced of the reality of evolution and similar physical realities, he would see it simply as confirmation of the power and glory of his pet god. Contrast that with Don’s stating that he would be convinced that evolution would be false if he was presented with poodles from the Permian Era or comparable evidence. Which of the two is the open-minded one?

The icing on the cake was the ‘human handbones in Cretaceous rock’ myth thrown up in response to Don’s request. That illustrates why creationism is nothing but a shell game. Quite why anyone can possibly find such bullshit in the least convincing is one of those mysteries that we may never solve. If we could, we’d be able to inoculate against Time-Share holidays and kindred bottom-feeding parasites. Just remember: only lies require lies to support them. If creationists truly had anything of substance to offer, don’t you think they’d be doing more than posting videos on the internet, or building fake museums and Noah’s Ark amusement parks just so they can line their pockets by exploiting the gullible?

Now it’s just getting sad

5 Apr

The third Magic Sandwich trilogy is now online and I’m starting to think that Shawn, that odious Hovind-larva, is taking the piss. Nobody can be this pig ignorant…

Part 7:

Part 8:

Part 9:

By this point even the non-Shawns on the panel are losing patience. Not for nothing was he christened Posterboy for Creationist Stupidity (PCS) by Thunderf00t in his acclaimed and highly recommended “Why do people laugh at creationists?” series.

Here’s a piece of free advice for you Shawn. Countering any point that shows up the plot holes in your silly story book with “Well I don’t believe that’s true” but never actually backing that statement up doesn’t make you look clever or intelligent, nor does it win the argument for you. It just makes people want to hit you.

Until next time, Shawn: here’s a compass and a map. Reality’s over that way.

Creationists get funnier!

4 Apr

Further to my previous post, parts 4 & 5 of the Magic Sandwich Show are now online [EDIT – Part 6 is up now, too]:

Part 4:

Part 5:

Part 6:

It never ceases to amaze me just how far some people will twist the facts of reality merely to paper over the gaping plot holes in their holy books. When Star Wars or Star Trek fans do it, we laugh and maybe urge them to get out of the house more. Here, Shawn believes the Earth is little more than six thousand years old (because that’s the figure you get when you add up all the ‘begat’s in the bible – which must never be questioned); thus he is forced to distort, corrupt and otherwise ignore all data that contradicts that belief.

To quote the good Doctor, “The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views… which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.”

Creationists are funny!

4 Apr

Yesterday popular BlogTV channel “The Magic Sandwich Show”, perhaps in an attempt to one-up The Atheist Experience last week, hosted the infamous YouTube creationist VenomFangX. The RationalWiki article at the end of that link will give readers unfamiliar with Shawn, as he is also known, a fairly detailed summary of his personality – such as it is – and qualifications. However I can boil it down to one revealing sentence: RW lists the page under the heading “List of internet kooks”.

Anyway, Magic Sandwich has begun uploading the show onto YouTube for those of us who missed the live version. As I write this, the first three parts are available and without wanting to give too much away, Shawn is as knowledgable and as intelligent as he ever wasn’t. Enjoy the show as my YT friend [2012 Edit: and now fellow WordPress blogger] Thunderf00t – upper left corner, named Xavier Lumens for reasons best known to himself – toys with Shawn as a cat does with a mouse.

Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

Words of Comfort: The Aftermath

28 Mar

Well, it’s over, the dust is settling. The verdict? Ray Comfort is as crazy – and/or dishonest – as ever. For anyone who didn’t see it live the recording should be available on the AE front page in a day or two. (UPDATE: Recording now online. Share and enjoy!)

I’ll attempt a skeleton review here, leaky memory permitting. To avoid spoilers I’ll put it under the fold, thus:

Continue reading

The Devil went down to Georgia, gets no further than South Carolina

25 Jan

Miriam Fowler Smith, a 65-year-old woman from South Carolina, is facing¬† a charge of felony animal cruelty after she killed a Pit Bull Terrier left in her care – for the capital crime of chewing her Bible. Apparently she feared that this “devil” dog (her words) would go on to maul neighbourhood children, so she hanged the poor creature with electrical cord before burning the remains.

While it’s clearly inappropriate to indulge in armchair speculation based on a sketchy news report, I think it’s fair to say that people in their right mind wouldn’t even dream of inflicting such torture on another living thing and certainly not on such a flimsy excuse. Where’s all this love and compassion the Bible supposedly teaches? Whatever happened to “thou shalt not kill” ?

On the bright side, however, at least the authorities are taking proper action over the case; the woman is facing six months to five years imprisonment. Let’s hope she gets the psychiatric treatment she clearly needs.

Though thankfully rare, this is hardly an isolated incident of a person invoking the devil as an excuse for horrific behaviour. Back in 2008, Joshua Mauldin from Galveston, Texas, was sent down for twenty-five years after microwaving his 2-month-old daughter a year earlier. Fortunately little Ana Marie survived (though not unharmed) and has since been placed in foster care.

Even more horrific than the little girl’s ordeal, though, was the reaction from her mother – and I use the term in its loosest sense. She actually excused her husband’s unthinkable actions, claiming that Satan saw him as “a threat” because of his efforts to become a preacher, so manipulated Mauldin’s known mental disabilities.

As Christopher Hitchens says, “religion poisons everything”. It causes otherwise morally upright individuals to commit, and condone, the most inhuman atrocities without batting an eyelid. At least the excuse of “the Devil made me do it” is not yet recognised by the courts.

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