Archive | September, 2013

Read the bible backwards – it’s epic!

18 Sep

Yes, that most unholy and abhorrent of all works of fiction, the bible, actually does make for a decent story – but only if approached from the proper perspective.  And that perspective, it turns out, is from back to front.

Here’s just a few highlights:

Jesus

God decides he wants to get rid of his son, so he sends him to Earth, cut and bruised, where some blokes nail his corpse to a cross to recover. Luckily for Jesus though, some kind and helpful Romans are around to help him get down, remove the crown of thorns from his head and clean up his wounds.

Jesus soon develops a reputation for being a bit of a bastard. At one point, he walks up to this guy minding his own business and deliberately pokes his eyes out. Another time he goes up to some random bloke just happily strolling along and cripples him.

Soon he comes across a huge open-air picnic where thousands of people are having a lovely feast of fish sandwiches, more than enough to go around. Being the twat that he’s become, Jesus steals all the food and leaves everyone with fuck all to eat.

Later he ruins a wedding by confiscating all the wine and replacing it with water.

He goes about like this, randomly maiming people he happens to meet, before going into hiding. Presumably he’s realised how many enemies he’s made.

The next time anybody sees him he has apparently developed a severe case of Anageria, causing him to grow smaller and younger. On his birthday, as he lies there on his death bed in some smelly little manger, with his parents apparently happy to see him go, three blokes on camels turn up unannounced and nick all his presents.

Exodus

A man named Moses decides to round up a nation of kind and happy Jews and tells them he wants to take them on a journey. They all leave their Promised Land of Milk and Honey and set out across the burning desert, where they spend the next forty years wandering around aimlessly.

There’s a little vignette about the Jews giving up worship of a Golden Calf and Moses giving a set of commandment to God, but on the whole it’s pretty unremarkable until they eventually reach Egypt.

After chasing the Egyptian army out of the Red Sea, Moses makes a deal with the local Pharaoh and sells his entire people into slavery.

Genesis

A lovely young couple named Adam and Eve, who seem to be made for each other, are very sad; so God decides to allow them to play in his garden. Adam all of a sudden regurgitates bits of an apple, followed by Eve.

God gets unaccountably angry and starts smashing things. He kills Eve, chops her up and shoves the bits into Adam’s body. Shortly afterwards, he kills Adam, grinds him into dust and sprinkles him over the ground.

Then, clearly on a psychotic rampage, he wipes out all life on Earth, then vaporises the Earth itself. Over the course of the next few days, God destroys the entire Universe.

And the real beauty of all this is it makes just as much sense as the boring conventional method of reading it, if not far more!

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